More tears

What a tearful night for me. Na-open na naman ang isyu kung saan ito ang lubhang nakakabigat sa loob ko.

Let me first ask myself : Have I ever loved somebody so much that it hurts? I can answer that with a big YES.

I already had 3 relationships. After so much assessment last night, I have learned that on my first one, it has been more of a brain over heart. Which was a good thing tutal bata pa talaga ako nun. My curiosity may have overwhelmed me, but i never forgot my limitations. Thus it came to an end.

The next one i can say is half-mind and half-heart controlled. I was still very careful not to be hurt by anybody. I stand by my own principle: I will only cry for my family. Let no man put a tear in my eye because of too much love.

Here comes the third guy, and oh boy did I pour out my heart on him. Coz i promised to myself: to this guy, I'll give my whole self and being. He will be the center of my universe.

Maybe the problem with me is that I stopped thinking, and I started relying more on my feelings. Bakit ko ba nga naman ginagawa yun? Kasi mismong ibang tao na ang nagsabi sa akin: Mahalin mo ang tao nang puso mo ang susundin mo.

Eh anak naman ng tokwa. bakit parang nagiging masama pa lalo akong tao sa ginagawa ko?

All i wanted was time. Enough time for me. It sounds so selfish. Pero yun lang naman talaga e.

Para man akong lalaking kumilos, mukha man akong walang pakialam, there is still this heart of a woman, who all in her life, looking for someone to take care of her.

All my life I have been minding the lives of everybody else. And I saw this guy, the third one I mentioned. He gave me this attention and love and care I have been looking for. Someone who made me his life, his whole being too. And I was in euphoria. Everything reciprocated from the start, until the time they moved away due to certain personal reasons. He has his own passions, which i definitely admired and supported. And since he lives far-far away, all i can expect to have are his weekends. And yet, his weekends are still occupied by his extra activities. Luckily some of them I am involved. So I still make arrangements on weekdays. I always make sure we meet. Yet feeling ko kulang pa rin. I may have wanted more, pero masama ba na hilingin kong makasama kang lagi?

Tulad nga nang sinabi kong una, we have already argued on this matter once. And a certain agreement went out. I only demanded affirmation. So ok, everything went out smoothly.

Then marami na namang nangyayari na nagdudugtong-dugtong para ako mapag-isip, does he still care for me? Is he still feeling the same thing I do? Sometimes I wouldn't know, so all i can do is wallow in my own sorrow. Hanggang sa mapuno at di ko na ma-contain.

And I have this attitude of going solo kapag nagkakasakitan na. Ayokong-ayoko talaga na nakakasakit ng ibang tao. ayoko na kinukumpara sa iba. Kung ako lang ang pinaguusapan, ako lang. Kung may masasaktan, ako na lang. I detach myself just to make sure I am the only one hurt.

I may have used the wrong means of conveying the hurt inside, but i'll stand by it. i meant it so no regrets whatsoever.

I may have to say sorry. But I am now so hurt, siguro kasi mali na pagusapan habang sobrang nagkakainitan na rin nang ulo. Nakahanap na nga siguro ako ng katapat ko.

If it seems to be getting worse, I'll simply detach myself. I am not doing this dahil sa ibang pangsariling rason, but this will be my sacrifice. Instead of hurting that person more, I'll give away the freedom he deserves. God knows how much it'll hurt me, but i have to do this, basta para sa kapakanan nang iba, kakayanin ko.